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Anger managment

I have a bad temper, a real bad temper. I've always had it, even when I was a little boy. I think it developed during my first years at school. Although I wouldn't know, since I don't remember to much from them. The lack of memories from that time I personally think was caused by my epilepsy. I was diagnosed with it at age 9. But anyways, I'm rambling on here.

Back to my bad temper. I was always the object of harassment at school. Every day. Of course, I had friends, but there was always somebody who loved to pick on me. And mostly because I got so extremely angry. I could become so furious that I sometimes didn't remember what I had said or done in that moment. Most of the time it didn't matter, cuz the outcome was given. Me having to run away...

When I turned 12, I think it was 12, one of my best friends decided to learn me how to control my anger. She would drag me by the neck to the back of the school so that I could calm down every time she saw the signs of me getting winded up. And after some time I started to count to 10 when people was messing with me. And eventually I didn't snap half as often as I used to. But then came the year we started at Junior High School. And I found out that the harassing now became more physical. People found it darn funny to push/punch me around. And my anger got me into heaps of trouble. I survived though, but at a cost. I can't walk the streets in my hometown without getting really afraid when I see groups of people I don't know. They don't have to be more than 3 or more, but I can't help feeling really, really afraid. It's so bad that my wife instantly feels me tighten up. Even if she's with me...

And all this has given me a temper that I sometimes have trouble holding in. And especially now, it this state of my life, I feel my anger rise. I can get furious over something as little as a book that wouln't stay in it's place. Imagine trying to quit smoking after 50 years, then take those feelings and multiply them by 100. This is how angry I feel sometimes. I would probably crush the damn front door if I didn't know I'd brake my hands (and my wallet) doing so...

Don't get me wrong, I'd never hurt anybody. I never have, and never will, hit a living thing. But doors, walls, and other furniture...be afraid. Be very afraid...